A Special Fable for July 4th Weekend

Once upon a time in the land of Vancu lived the beautiful Empress Lulu. The empress ruled an expanding empire whose citizens had become enamored with how their bodies looked while they exercised.

The empress filled her coffers by selling them expensive clothing at high mark ups.  Lulu’s clothes were made of exotically named fabrics and sewn by minimum wage paid others in far off lands. Some said the clothing was extremely well made and worth their premium price. The Highness of HardTail and the Princess of PraNa were certainly envious of her sales.

And, her margins were so good that the Lords of Finance on Wall Street pronounced her stock a “good buy.”

With all her profits, Lulu built outposts in many different lands. Almost everyone applauded Lulu’s brilliant marketing strategies. Every day she would have muscle-toned and lithe ambassadors display their exercise prowess in her stores. These ambassadors wore Lulu branded clothing while standing on their heads, balancing on their arms and splitting their legs apart. They took brilliant postures which dazzled and amazed.

Citizens thought that they could do these tricks if they just bought more of Lulu’s clothing. Tops and bottoms flew off the racks and Lulu’s empire grew bigger and bigger.

One day Lulu thought…I will hold a parade through the entire capital city of Vancu. “Thousands of marchers will wear my leggings and tanks,” she said. The parade took a lot of preparation. More and more pieces needed to be sewn and the minimum-wage workers tried their hardest to keep up with demand.

Finally the day of the parade arrived. In between marching bands and floats made of bamboo, Lulu wearers were lined up for miles and miles. Lulu watched from her grandstand seat, resplendent in a pair of specially patterned crop pants and her signature Swank Tank. Photographers took pictures and shared them instantly on Facebook and Instagram. It was indeed a major event.

On the edge of the avenue among the parade viewers was a young girl named Cindy. Cindy had come to the city from her lovely landscaped home in the north woods just to see the parade. She had heard about Lulu’s clothing but had never been close enough to one of Lulu’s many stores to buy the famed togs. When she exercised she threw on hand-me downs from the Count of Costco and felt just fine about how she looked.

As Cindy turned to watch a group of Lulu wearers march down the broad avenue before her she gasped. It was a very loud gasp. She gasped loud enough for all to turn their heads to hear.

Cindy turned red with embarrassment as everyone stared at her but she maintained her composure and pointed at the backs of the marchers and declared “look, the Lulu pants have no bottoms!” Everyone turned and sure enough, the tight black pants that had been sewn quickly to keep up with the high demand had no bottoms.

Now everyone gasped and it was the Empress Lulu who turned red. She immediately fled the parade grounds and wrote releases to all news organizations near and far. Lulu was sorry and would give back money to customers who had purchased the faulty pants.

But damage to her reputation was done. The Princess of PraNa stepped up her advertising. The Highness of Hardtail signed on some of Lulu’s lapsed ambassadors. And, the Lords of Finance began to write less glowing reports about Lulu’s stock.

Finally the day came and Lulu, so shamed, had to flee. So she took a good look at her contract with the empire and decided she was due many millions of gold coins and quietly in the night slunk off into the sunset with a Louis Vuitton trunk full of cash.

People just didn’t know what to do. They were so used to being told how to dress when exercising they stopped jumping and pumping and stretching and lifting . One day, out of the jungle came the Sage of Osa, Yogi Aaron and he announced to the Empire that in one way Lulu had been right. We should just go naked while exercising. And, the people did.

And all were happy, healthy and free.

–Brette Popper


One comment

  1. This is like the elaborate sutra of pant-less-ness.

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